Dancing for Food

Overcoming the ballet body image.

Guilt

2 Comments

I’m feeling guilty today.

Normally, I go to ballet on Thursdays.  But today I’m not.  Today I’m sore from last night’s CrossFit workout.  Today I didn’t run with the dance kids because of that soreness.

I’m not feeling guilty about skipping the run because I run all the time.  I’m feeling guilty about skipping ballet.

I know it doesn’t make sense.  The reason for skipping both activities today is to let my body rest and recover after last night.  We’re going back to CrossFit tomorrow and I’m planning an 8-10 mile run for Saturday.  So why do I feel guilty?

I was thinking about this on the way home from work today.  It’s the same guilty feeling I got back when I used to dance all the time and had to skip for some reason.   I felt like I HAD to go.  Like it owned me.  I wrote about this on my dancing page.  I guess it hasn’t gone away.

Every time I think I’ve made progress with these feelings of ballet controlling me, they come back.  Clearly, I’m not in the best place yet.  I might be much better than I was a few years ago, but I’m not there yet.

When I see pictures from my ballet days, I still feel sad that I don’t do it anymore.

 

I mean, I still dance, but not like this.

I wonder if I’ll ever truly have time to perform again.  I love that I’m running and trying new things like CrossFit (and a marathon!), but I know I’ll probably get bitten by the performing bug again.  And then what?

 

I’m not sure.  But it’s clear I need more time to fully heal and realize that ballet is NOT all of who I am.

 

Advertisements

Author: Melissa

Getting healthy - mind, body, and soul.

2 thoughts on “Guilt

  1. I’ve been in (and continue to be) in a similar situation. One thing that’s helped me tremendously is realizing that anxieties will always be there.

    I used to get upset, thinking recovery meant I wouldn’t or shouldn’t be nervous at all. I would feel good one day, and then whenever the anxiety would return I would become upset, “Why was I feeling this way again?”, “I thought I was past this”, etc.

    I’ve learned that anxiety comes and goes – but knowing that makes it so much easier to deal with when it is there, and significantly lessens the impact. I can recognize that I have these feelings – I don’t have to ruminate as much about them, or ask the million “what if” questions I was so accustomed to asking myself. I can just recognize that the anxieties come and that they’ll also go, and TRUST myself enough to know that things don’t have to be so rigid. It’s allowed me to come back to the present moment, stay mindful, and live my life that’s going on in that moment.

    I hope I don’t come off to preachy. I just enjoyed your post and it inspired me to share.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s