I’m feeling guilty today.
Normally, I go to ballet on Thursdays. But today I’m not. Today I’m sore from last night’s CrossFit workout. Today I didn’t run with the dance kids because of that soreness.
I’m not feeling guilty about skipping the run because I run all the time. I’m feeling guilty about skipping ballet.
I know it doesn’t make sense. The reason for skipping both activities today is to let my body rest and recover after last night. We’re going back to CrossFit tomorrow and I’m planning an 8-10 mile run for Saturday. So why do I feel guilty?
I was thinking about this on the way home from work today. It’s the same guilty feeling I got back when I used to dance all the time and had to skip for some reason. I felt like I HAD to go. Like it owned me. I wrote about this on my dancing page. I guess it hasn’t gone away.
Every time I think I’ve made progress with these feelings of ballet controlling me, they come back. Clearly, I’m not in the best place yet. I might be much better than I was a few years ago, but I’m not there yet.
When I see pictures from my ballet days, I still feel sad that I don’t do it anymore.
I mean, I still dance, but not like this.
I wonder if I’ll ever truly have time to perform again. I love that I’m running and trying new things like CrossFit (and a marathon!), but I know I’ll probably get bitten by the performing bug again. And then what?
I’m not sure. But it’s clear I need more time to fully heal and realize that ballet is NOT all of who I am.