I had an epiphany the other day.
As many know, I had a very rough school year. Between planning our own wedding (which had already been in the works for several months by the time the school year started), suddenly being involved in two other weddings that were taking place before ours, the holidays, training for half marathons, moving, finishing BTSA, worrying about getting a pink slip, and having a VERY challenging 5th period class, I was pretty damn tired. It was no wonder that all of these things had sunk me into a spiral of negative thinking.
I kept assuming that after our wedding, everything would be better. After our wedding, there’d be nothing else to plan, and we would have had a wonderful, relaxing time on our honeymoon. Well, the relaxing honeymoon certainly didn’t happen. As you’d expect, that didn’t do anything to help me feel better and more optimistic. In fact, I think I was feeling a lot more bitter about the honeymoon experience that I realized originally. I felt cheated, like the resort had stolen something from me. Some might argue that I can’t really complain because I still have time off until school starts again and that we had a beautiful wedding and are very fortunate, etc, but those some probably don’t understand just how taxing and toxic last year was. Yes, we had a beautiful wedding. Yes, we are incredibly fortunate – I mean, how many young married couples can buy an iPad because they want to (not the smartest financial decision, but it won’t kill us) and be planning to buy a house within the year? Not many. We are very lucky and blessed.
But I digress. As I said, I had an epiphany. In the past several months, I’ve noticed myself getting really upset over stupid things that normally wouldn’t upset me. I attributed it to just being overall stressed and worn down.
But now the wedding is over and the craziness is over and I was still getting upset over dumb things. And then I had the epiphany. I discovered that the negative way of thinking had become an ingrained habit without me realizing it. I couldn’t keep waiting around for things to magically be better. It just wasn’t going to happen.
I realized that I had to make a conscious choice and effort to change the way I was thinking. I had to decide to relax and enjoy these last couple weeks before the school year starts again. I have to jump into the new school year and be excited about it. I’m teaching dance production this year – this is a good thing! Yes, it will be challenging, but it’s good! Dance is my true passion while math is just something I like and happen to be good at.
This school year there is no wedding to plan, no weddings to be in (just weddings to attend ), no BTSA, hopefully no evil 5th period or its equivalent, and hopefully less pink slip threat. I also am getting my tenure in the district which is a huge relief. Even though I have dance which is new and scary, I DON’T have all that other stuff. How can it not be better?
It’s a choice. I think I knew that, but when it came to my own life I didn’t recognize it. But now I do. And I have to say – the last two days since I figured this out really have been better. When I feel myself starting to get blah and down in the dumps, I pep talk myself and remind myself that there’s no reason to be stressed or bummed. Things are good!
Here’s to a wonderful last few weeks of my summer. The Olympics start tonight (which I LOVE), we have a belated family birthday dinner for Mat tomorrow night, I’m back into running (and learning how to enjoy it again now that I have a new outlook), and we’re going to Vegas soon.
And why are things good? Because GOD is good. :)